Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Youngies, and Druggies with the Pretties and the Uglies..

It's Monday. Late afternoon, and I'm sitting in my room watching the sun shine through the palm fronds, as it makes shapes on my floor through my balcony doors. I just got home about 2 hours ago from my adventure in Los Angeles this weekend, with my wonderful sister Adriana. :D I really had a very good time. I got to spend time with my favorite person, and I also had the opportunity to meet a lot of new faces; Some who i can see will be great friends. This weekend opened up another window for me. It let me see things that i had never previously considered, in a new light. I have been so stressed since i got home; Worrying about Jobs, and school.. and this arm business. But this weekend i finally got to relax. LA feels like home to me. But so does San Diego, and the Desert. It might be because Adriana's there, but whatever the reason being, I was in my element with some good people.

this week, I am going to be getting everything straightened out with my car. So, hopefully, I am going to be able to go out and be productive! By looking for a job, and finally having my freedom back. I never really lost it, it's just difficult to rely on everyone else for rides. That drives me crazy. I hate when people drive me! hahah I get super antsy. I know.. It's a control problem, which i am trying to control!

It's not Monday afternoon anymore. It's Tuesday night. I stopped writing for whatever reason, but here i am! I've been home practically all day today. But i had a lot of work to do. I'm trying to make extra money here and there since I don't have a job at the moment. Writing papers, and working on shoes. I need a job. I'd enlist, but they wouldn't take me because my eyes are so terrible. Now that i have a bionic arm, they REALLY won't take me. Talking about long term commitments though, I have been considering making one. But something more serious in terms of a career. That's something I'm gonna keep to myself until i figure it out. As soon as i say it, everyone going to go crazy.. That i know for sure. I can see it now! Everyone getting their hope up. We'll see how it plays out :) For now I'm just letting it happen.

I'm listening to  Wolves in the Garden, by The Deadly Syndrome, And i was just sitting and thinking while it was playing. This song reminds me of my time in Paris.. Walking through the empty dark streets as the sun was slowly disappearing. Clueless as to where i was, but so comfortable. It reminds me of my last few weeks of the previous year, and about someone. There's something about the song.. "..I feel like i should tell you, there, there were wolves there yesterday. We walked and i said nothing. I didn't want to hurt the mood. I know we can't out run them; but the flowers smell so good." I wouldn't really know how to express to you WHY that particular segment eats at me, but it does.. That whole song does. It's very, I don't know.. It's very bittersweet. Everyone finds different meanings in different things. And this song breaks my heart EVERY.TIME.i hear it.. And yet, i cannot stop listening to it.. There is another song i can't get out of my head today. I heard it 2 weeks ago, not for the first time.. But ever since that moment it hasn't left my head. The coincidentally.. Someone sent it to me today. A song from a knife salesman to his wife on their wedding day. It's beautiful. In a very strange way. Listenener is one of my favorites. Not for everyone. But for me. If you DO read this.. Click the link. Listen to the words. and Just think about it. I want something like that. I know I'm young, but i can only hope.

"well darlin this is it, and I'm not a complicated person
you're all I've got, and I mean you're all I'll ever need
just like you are, you look like you could use these open arms
with these broken arms, I'll try and hold you all together
you spun the wheels, on this rusty heart, & I'll never be the same
and we're no accident, though sometimes we won't survive the crash
I'll be your ambulance"

Something like that ^^


Thursday, February 3, 2011

New years resolution.. a month late

So, for my new years resolution this year, i decided that i was going to start a month late. I think it's hillarious when people start with their"  I'm gonna turn over a new leaf" mentality on January 1st, of the new year.. and the week after the've cheated. So i decided to wait a month.. Let all the angst that comes along with the new year to settle, and then start making promises to myself.

When i got home from Holland i realized how much CRAP FOOD i ate there! Not even junk food, but when you think about most European countries.. What are their main staples? What is something you can expect to see in every household? BREAD. CHEESE.. And in Breda's case... Stroop waffles :X Ugh. Stoop Waffels + Gina = <3 <3 <3 Hahahah! Also, Beer, (See Right ) LMAO. And.. More bread. Surrrpise surprise!! So, i've decided that i am going to make my resolution - To take better care of myself, and watch the things that i put into my body. I started last week, and i already feel better! Some other things i'm adding onto the resolution? :

1. Drink more water.
2. Spend more time outside.
3. Anddd.. After this month passes me by, and i am ALLOWED to go back, I;m going to the gym everyday. Rain or snow. So I feel good about it. And i know i'm going to keep this up. I think i've been inspired by these people on all of these weight loss shows. FUN FACT! I am obsessed with weight loss shows. " Heavy." "I used to be fat " "Biggest loser" and anything else even remotely close. I'm fascinated by these people, and how they can allow themselfs to get soooooo damn heavy?! I mean like.. Could you imagine being 500 pounds. 500 POUNDS?! That's 1/2 of 1000... Blows my mind. I live to eat, i don't eat to live, and i'm sure if i had NO self control or self respect.. that i could get really fat. But I like being healthy. I also, want to keep my arm moving. I'm determined to get this thing back to normal. I promise. I will not allow myself to be imobilized in ANY way. So here we go. Staring week 2 of this resolution, i'll be sure to keep everyone up to date. lol

I went on a run with my dog today. But he started acting like a tard and getting scared by every car that passed and he was just ruining my groove. So my mom came and got him, and i continued on. I went on a 4 mile. and I passed the starbucks Down the street from my house and i just sat outside and .. just sat. And that's all i did. I watched the cars go by, and I took in some sunshine, and just let time pass me by for a few minutes. It was nice.. I haven't been able to do that in a while. Especially since when i was in Holland, it was too cold to even go outside let alone go and hang out in one spot for too long. I just listened to the people's conversations, FUN FACT #2 I'm a huge evesdropper. LMAO. People fascinate me. I can't help it. lol And then i went home. It's simple things like that that i missed being able to do. :) Makes the day just a little better.

This weekend, Adriana is going to come and pick me up and bring me back to LA to her house. I am so excited i'm goiing to be able to visit with her for a while; I'm in the need for some serious Adriana time. It's going to be so nice to see her. I saw her when i had first gotten home for a little bit, she drive down with her boyfriend to come and see me. But i had just gotten surgery, and i was so drugged up i couldn't even see straight. Sooo.. This time, now that i'm fully conscious.. Will be so mch better. lol I love my sister <3

Anyway, i think i'm going to go paint. But first i need to find my paints?! Ugh. So i'm going to do that :) I'm in a write-y mood, so i 'll probably do another post tomorrow.
Doui Douiiii!


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

WOW. So i had about.. a full page of this and i accidentally deleted it. I wasn't thinking. UGH. This morning i went for my 2nd PT appointment. I wasn't as excited about this one due to the fact that i woke up and it felt like someone had gone to town on my arm with a baseball bat.. or maybe some golf clubs. Either way, it fricken hurt. I think it was because of the first appointment, but oh well.. My mom went with me this time. She got to see what we do to try and fix my terribly mangled extremity. She watched at they hooked me up to the electro-pulsating-sticky-hurty things, and as the woman (Mona) attempted to run out all of the knotts my muscles had accumulated over the past month from not moving. UGH. That sucked.

After the appointment, mamma and i went and got lunch, and then ran some more errands. Went to the mall, and i got some new M.A.C makeup.. Not like i really needed anymore, but it's good for my soul and it keeps me happy :) haha!! Now i'm home, sitting on my balcony in the sun with my iced tea and my fat kitty who keeps popping by to see what i'm doing. I've been fairly stressed this week. When i got home from Holland i expected things to be so much different than they are.. Mostly because i never expected to come home partially crippled, and unable to do things fof myself like i normally would have been able to. I now have the inconvienence of fixing my car; New tires -$400. Fix the AC unit -$200? Registration & Insurance, and who knows what else will happen (KNOCK ON WOOD!) But where am i going to get the money to do so? Ohhh if i get a job I can fix all of those things easy! Maybe even with my first two pay checks! WRONG. Nobody is going to hire me, because of my arm. I can't lift, push, pull, carry.. Nothing that any normal job wourld require me to do. No shelf stocking, nothing that pretty much all the places i would like to work in Murrieta would require me to do. LAME. So, i need to look for a secretarial job.. or something that requires me to sit at a desk, andswer phones, and not do much. But i'm noticing that those are few and far between. SOOOO.... If any of my readers know of anywhere i can get a job, or want to give me a job ;) feel free to le tme know! hahah! Speaking of readers, i got 600 views a lone last month. Which i'm stoked about.. I could get more i guess, i just.. Idon't really care! lol

Random thoughts of the day :

I wanna get certified in Scuba diving.
I want my dark hair back. I want my LONG hair back.
I need a job, because i need to get new clothes.
I want a frozen margarita.
I wanna go to the gym!
I wanna go on another trip.
Let's go to San Diego.

There is something i can't stop thinking about! But i'm not upset by it, it kinda just makes me anxious..Because there is something that i HAVE to do, anddd thinking about it just makes me crazy. Lol Have you ever had one of those? You're scared to do something, or say something, or.. whatever it is. But at the same time you are so excited.. and you just can't control yourself. Well.. that's exactly how i am at the moment. and i don't know what to do about it. I take a running start and i am so ready to get it over with, and then i see "It" and it's staring me in the face, waiting for me to make the first move and i run away.. Kinda like jake when he wants to play and you try and take his ball away from him. He tests you, and gets really close but as soon as you go for it BAM he's gone. lol Little jerk dog.

I've been viggorously checking my email everyday awaiting a response from one of the 50,000 places i applied to. And it's really frustrating. I heard on the radio that the economy rose by 3.4% this quarter! Shouldn't that mean the job market was given a LIIITTTTLLLEEEE more slack? Probably not. That's wishful thinking. I also need to get my school life straightened out. I'm gonna be so relieved when all this is over. I really hate school, and i'm not looking forward to going back. If i had it my way i would just work, work work the rest of my life. But i can't work with what i want to work with without the degree, so schoolllll here i come! There are so many factors affecting my next move, it's incredible. I could go on for days.. I could go to school in the desert, which would be convienent because i have a lot of family out there, or i could go to art school in sd, and be very inconvienent because then i have to make the trip every day. Gahhhh. Anyway, enough about that. Jack just got home, and i'm gonna go show him what's up on some CODMW2 Nazi Zombies :P hahah Byyyeee!