Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Food for thought..

It's Tuesday; I find it more difficult as the days go by to remember what month it is, let alone what day it is. So at least i'm better off today, than i was yeaterday. I woke up thinking yesterday was Thursday. Why? I have no idea.. It might be because of the shock of being 9 hours behind once again. Since i came home from Holland i seem to be a bit backwards. Not Jet-lagged, but backwards. The tsunami that is real life hit me like a ton of bricks after i got my surgery. I am still in recovery from my surgery. I need to start physical therapy sooner rather than later and i'm going to have to start going to that 2 to 4 times a week. I need to find a job. I need to get my schooling figured out. I need to figure out if i'm going to relocate to the Desert, or to San Diego, and while all that is going on.. I'm trying to accept what happened. and come to terms with me being crippled. Which i'm fine with. I get so frustrated because i can't do things like i used to. I cannot straighten my right arm anymore, and i can't flex it all the way. So simple things like putting my hair up, and putting makeup on have turned into difficult tasks. Other than that i'm quite happy. I just have a lot of things running through my mind constantly. Most of those things sound a lot better INSIDE my head. When i actually say them out loud, i realize how absolutely ridiculous they are. But at the same time, they are completely understandable.

I have found myself doing a lot of reading, writing, and drawing. Getting back into my old groove again, and it feels good!! It's awesome.. Because it's what i love to do. I think the internet is taking over.. which.. Is strange for me to say because i am on the internet right now! But is for a different reason. I'm not staring at facebook waiting for something interesting to pop up, and i'm not going to be doing that anymore. I did that in Holland because i was longing to be back home with my family, and i was constantly wondering what it was that they were doing. But not anymore. If any of you need me, you can reach me at 1-951-326-7076 That's my cell phone :) You can get a hold of me there. I am going to be spending less time on facebook, and more time doing things more constructive. Reading, Writing, Drawing, Running, Cooking.. Anything.

I was in a funk last night. And it's because i hurt someone, and i know I did. I didn't want to hurt them. Nor did i do it intentionally.. But it was something that needed to be done. As horrible as that sounds. It was someone who was very near and dear to me at one point. But now, i feel completely sepperated. And that's something i also have to come to terms with. I found myself asking the question.. "When is the right time to say, 'okay.. We have too much baggae, it's time to move on'?" When is the right time? Is there EVER a right moment to say that to someone who you know truely loves you? I had to make that decision last night, and i feel like i woke up a stronger person for it. It needed to be done, and it finally happened.. And I truely feel it was for the better. It just sucks, and makes me feel like a shitty person.

I need to think of a new name for my.. well.. This! My Blogg. It's "FROM BREDA WITH LOVE..." Anddddd if you didn't notice i'm not in Breda anymore. So if you have a better suggestion, lemme know :) hahah I'll probably post this link on my facebook wall to let people know i updated my blogg.. (How contradictory?! Look at my last paragraph, and look at THIS sentance.. lol) I'm not using facebook as much! OH WAIT! I'm gonna write a blogg and post it. lol I'm incredible. I never cease to amaze myself.

OH. Continuing on with my random thoughts... I just triggered something with" Never cease to amaze me.. " The other day i was really mad. I keep finding myself becoming upset with certain people. Not like friends, or family.. How unusuall right? But with people whom i don't really talk to much. People who i know and am friends with, but that i don't really see. Especially now. The other day, i got an IM (Instant message) from a guy who i know. I used to see him every once in a while when i would go to my friend's house, and he would be there. Nice guy. Very nice to me. Always had something to talk to me about. But we never hung out outside of that situation. About a month after i met him i moved to Holland. I got a message from him while in Holland and it didn't seem like the guy i met! "Giiinnnaaaa.. Baby i miss you!" What? BABY? Who's baby? I sure as hell hope you aren't talking about me? Yea. He was.. Anyway. He told me he wan interested in dating me and i told him i was interested in someone else. Which was the truth. He pulled a guilt trip on me.. "Oh i get it. I'm not good looking enough for you." Besides the fact that i didn't find him attractive, his cheesy one liners, and pathetic attempt at asking me out didn't help. So I declined yet again. and we didn't talk. So i saw him post something a little bit later. Like a mont or two later. I looked at his profile, and blasted allll over his wall is how he is trying to get back together with his girlfriend. WHO JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY. Had i any idea? No. But he was telling everyone on his wall that "Oh my girl left me, and i'm going to do whatever it is i can do to get back together with her. I  want her in my life i wanna be with her and my baby." and yet he's calling me baby, and telling me he thinks i'm gorgeous. Leaving me cheesy pic comments. and being a scumbag.. STRIKE 2. Sooo i stopped talking to him. But recently. He sent me a message.. Like yesterday. and said i miss you baby. I asked him what was up. Completely ignoring his previous comment. and he asked me if i was single. I said yes. He asked me what was up then!? Obviously irritated i hadn't hit him up. I told him i was interested in someone, and that i wasn't about ready to screw it up. He got mad and said but you aren't dating. so you don't have anything to screw up. I told him that i wasn't about to do anything like that. and that i would appreciate it if he stopped and he didn't. I told him it wasn't gonna happen between us. and i hope he finally understood after i deleted his ass off facebook. Fricken retard.

My leg is asleep. Kinda feels how my arm has been feeling for a while. Feels like someone injected my arm with novicane. So weird. lol

I'm done with the random rants. I'll probably have somehting of substance to write about it a little bit :P

Love you!


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