Thursday, October 11, 2012


I feel like I'm reuniting with an old friend as I sign into this account. I was thinking the other day about how much I miss writing, and how I've been so busy with everything going on in my life, currently, that I haven't had time to stop and smell the roses, Per say..

It's 7:39 am on the morning of Thursday, October 11th of 2012. It's 10/11/12! Just realized that. haha! I can't believe how long it's been since I last wrote. If you look it says, March 2011.  I'm not going to start this post, with a long drawn out story about whats gone on in the last year and a half. But since I did decide to put up a new entry, once I logged in to my account, I checked out some of my old posts.. Just to be reminiscent and see where I was. Needless to say, life is completely different.

To sum it up, Last post I was living and working in La Quinta, Ca.. Just outside of Palm Springs. I moved there once I returned to the US from living abroad in Holland. Now, I'm living with my man in San Diego. We have a really cute place. It's small.. It's needed a lot of work, but it's ours. It's homey, and comfy and recently, we just added a new addition to our little Pauling- Gerlach family! About 3 weeks ago I adopted a kitten, and she's the love of our lives. Kyle was very hesitant towards the idea, But I just brought her home one day and It was love at first sight... Even though he's never admit it. Haha! I'm sure you'll hear more about her later. I've also been working at Starbucks for a year. I transferred from my store in Palm Desert to my new store.  It took me a while to adjust, but now I feel comfortable there. It's always hard going into a new job, or when you transfer jobs to a new location. It's like the first say of school. You don't wanna talk to anyone and you just wanna get your work done.

 My store is one of a kind, to say the least. 90% of our customers, are regulars.. Who come to our store every day, order the same thing, at the same time everyday, and then sit in THEIR chairs, and wait for their friends to show up, and the cycle starts all over. So we all have different relationships with different regulars.. Based on who comes in most during your typical shifts. It's fun. I like the people I work with. I like our customers, I like our manager.. But it's still a job. I'd rather win the lottery and move away to Indonesia.

Recently, I've made a commitment to myself. To better my life, My health, and myself. (Recently being within the last 2 1/2 months). I began a transformation, and that's an understatement.. I bought a gym membership, I got some new running shoes, and I started moving. I got tired with waking up, looking in the mirror every day and wishing I looked like someone else. So I made a decision to change my routine and my eating habits. As soon as I did that, What do you know.. Weight started coming off. As of this day, I have lost 30 pounds. And I feel amazing. I'm not done yet.. I have a while to go. But I'm not stressing myself on it. I'm trying to make this enjoyable so I wake up every day just as excited as I was the first day. I look forward to going to the gym every day.

I never thought I'd be able to go as far as I have.. And at this point all I have in mind is my ultimate goal. Which, every day.. Seems so much closer. So much more attainable! I have to admit though, It's hard work. Much harder than you'd think. It's going to the gym 6/7 days a week no matter how tired you are. Changing your eating habits, Building your self control, and ultimately.. They'll all work together and you'll find that you're leading a much healthier, happier life style. The reason I'm writing about this is so I can keep track of how i'm doing mentally. I have my calorie counters ad my gym charts and all that crap.. But I have to keep myself motivated.

I'm not saying that I'm some sort of fitness guru all of a sudden or anything.. But I am a 21 year old, who has a goal; something that she wants more than anything. That 'something' is a big deal to me, and it's a matter of living a long healthy happy life, or dying of a heart attack at 40! I wasn't 400 pounds guys, no where near it.. But I wasn't setting myself up for success. And now, I can say that I am! and It feels so good.

So from now on, every day or every other day, I'm going to get on here after I go to the gym, and shower and have all my ducks in a row.. And I'm gonna get back to the little things that I love so much. Write me. Talk to me. Tell me how you feel about what I write, or of similar stories. I love your feedback. Always have, and always will.

I'll write soon! <3
Gina XO

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A Movable Feast

At what point in ones life, does the fun stop? and the even bigger question here is; WHY does it stop? As one gets older, and less oblivious, certain aspects of life emerge that we've never seen before. Primarily because we were too young, and ignorant to notice said things, but also because we didn't know what those aspects were before. An incredibly brilliant man, and probably my favorite literary writers, Ernest Hemingway once wrote an excerpt on F. Scott Fitzgerald for his own memoir. The relationship that Fitzgerald, and Hemingway shared was a tad erratic. He has been savaged as a jealous ingrate for his description of Fitzgerald in his memoir, A Movable Feast. However, despite the picture that emerges of Fitzgerald as erratic and insecure, I believe the love and respect Hemingway held for the slightly older writer comes through.. 

Hemingway wrote, "His talent was as natural as the pattern that was made by the dust on a butterfly's wings. At one time he understood it no more than the butterfly did and he did not know when it was brushed or marred. Later he became conscious of his damaged wings and of their construction and he learned to think and could not fly any more because the love of flight was gone and he could only remember when it had been effortless."

If you think about it, what Hemingway said was on the money. Ignorance is bliss.. When one does not know how things are supposed to be, they are not a good judge of right and wrong, correct? As a child you're learning everyday.. And as you get older, you have your parents, and teachers, and other adults there to help guide you along your trip to adult-hood. They are there to teach you right and wrong, to show you how to function as a productive individual, and set up the ground layers for you to build your foundation on! Everything when you're little is wonderful! But now, me not being so little anymore, I wake up everyday, with some sort of new challenge! Some days are fantastic, some days are terrible, and it's just an endless cycle.. You hear all the time, when people notice you're in a bad mood, " Shit happens!" or, "That's life!" But i'm tired of hearing that.. What is there for people to do to change that? To make it so that every day you wake up is a wonderful day? Does it have to do with your job? Does it have to do with your outlook on life? With family? with friends? I know it's a mesh of all of the factors listed above. It's pretty hard to not have one without the other, but.. What is the epicenter of the problem? 

I believe it has to do with you own personal outlook on life.. I've been enlightened recently! And i'm happy to announce that. When i look back on the past, year or so for myself, it's been insane. From college and working in California, to Living and traveling around Europe! Then the accident, then coming back to California, and starting all over with this new challenge (My arm) that just so happens to be permanently connected to my person. (Well, I'm about ready to cut if off so we'll see how that goes HAHA!) And Now i'm moved out of Murrieta, and working and trying to start over, and make a name for myself in another new city! So i'm stoked! And I've been waking up like that everyday.. Excited, and ready to go to work, and then whatever else happens throughout the day happens! But I've been welcoming it.. And the happier I am, the more I notice how miserable a lot of people are around me! WHY IS THAT?! I talked to a woman the other day, who when she saw me I smiled at her.. She looked at me and went, "What are you so happy for? Comin' in here all smiley!" I told her I was just in a good mood, and she said "Yeaaa.. Well you obviously have a lot of grow'n to do. You won't be happy when you're 40 baby." 

I don't really know why, but that really bothered me! I want to be happy when i'm 40! I don't wanna be like her! Every man/woman's life ends the same way.. It's only the details of how they lived, and how they died that sets them apart!=. I want MY own person difference, to be astronomical. I want to wake up knowing that I'm not wasting my day, or my time, or my life! Which, is sll pretty much all be the same thing. Furthermore, I don't want to waste any of it! Nor do I want any of you to waste it. Time is a beautiful thing, and you only get once chance to really.. LIVE. So do it! Go live. Go be happy.. Do what makes you happy, not what makes other people happy. 

I've found a new way of looking at everything.. I'm starting to look at everything, and anything, as if i'm seeing it for the first time. Surprisingly, it's working out wonderfully. It puts a lot of excitement back into things for me! For a while everything was getting pretty bland, and boring , and drab. But, not anymore.. Look at everything as if you've never seen it before. Learn to appreciate every little thing, no matter how inconsequent. No matter how insignificant you once thought it was, try and find the beauty in it. Stop focusing on the negatives, and learn to appreciate the positives for what they are..  I know this was kinda random, But i've just been dealing with a lot of negative ass people this week! I'm tired of it. I fixed myself, now it's time for everyone else to see that they can fix the problem, too! 

It's 1:30 am, and I should be asleep, but.. Surprise, Surprise.. I'm not. I think i'm gonna shower then bed. I have an interview at the Cheesecake Factory tomorrow! So that would be a cool 2nd job :) Anyway.. I'm gonna try and go to bed now. Got a lot to look forward to this week, and for the rest of the month! 
Have a good day/ Night you guys!
<3 XO

Monday, May 9, 2011

Last night I dreamed that it rained, and nobody complained

Woke up this morning with A song stuck in my head; Stay or Leave by The Dave Matthews Band, I suggest you listen to it. and Really listen. It's a beautiful song, but the reason I had it stuck in my head, was because it was in my dream.. There was a "certain person"who is to remain un-named ;) hahah Well this person, was singing it to me.. And because of who this person was, It kinda stands out. Have you ever had that moment, where you have this.. one, strong, set idea in mind. and You are so confidant in it, and so so so sure of it, then the smallest. most ridiculous, little thing can set you all off balance? I really hate that. Really. ugh

I've been having a lot of strange dreams lately, Like I said in my last post. They just keep getting weirder! Like, Driving a limo half way off a cliff, only to jump out, and off this cliff.. Then seeing yourself fall for about 5 minutes straight, and riggghhht before you hit the water BAM! you woke up. But on your way down you had a pretty significant conversation! But, it has absolutely nothing to do with what is happening in the dream. My family is telling me it's because of what i've been eating before bed. But, I know that's a load of crap. I'm not eating anything before bed, and i changed my diet completely! And they're STILL happening. Oh well. We'll see :)

But for that song? It's weird! I haven't been able to shake it off all day. "Stay or leave, I want you not to go but you should.. It was good, as good goes! Stay or leave I want you not to go but you did. So what to do, with the rest of the day's afternoon haze. Isn't it strange how we change everything we did. Did I do all that I could, that I should have done.. " Did I do all that I could have done? AM i CONTINUING to do all that I CAN do? No. And I realized that after a conversation last night, and after some thought this morning. But that's going to change.

 I need to make a fairly large decision this week. and to be honest, I'm scared. Because it can either make an easy left turn, or a brutal right. I've been putting it off for quite some time now. I'm scared. And I really have nothing to be scared of, which is the ridiculous part. I'm Gina Marie Pauling, and I'm never scared of anything........ Or that's what I keep telling myself. Then this situation arises and i'm running to the hills! Doing anything I can to avoid this. It's all about comfort zones! Pushing yourself out of your box, and allowing yourself to take a chance. CHANGE. Right? Isn't that the word the nation and the rest of the world is trying to focus on? C.H.A.N.G.E. But what does change really mean? To what extent, does change actually.. well what do you have to do to REALLY change something? Change a normal routine for yourself? Like.. Instead of watching tv after dinner, you go on a walk. Okay.. That's not good enough. Changinggg your attitude towards your coworkers, classmates, people you happen to run into daily, to try and make a difference? No. Still not powerful enough. Because what happens of you don't make those changes? NOTHING! you're in the same spot. You're still gonna be sitting on your ass watching tv. and your co workers are still gonna hate you.

 I'm talking about, making a change for yourself.. that is going to fix your problem. In this case my problem. I'm in Limbo! and I don't doubt for a second that there are a few of you reading this who are thinking... "Yea, well shit. Me too! What do I do?!" Do something, that is going to really effect your life. Do something, to where.. Once it's done, you no longer HAVE that option of going back to that zone of "LIMBO." Make it so, you say to yourself "Okay... I want to go left. But if this doesn't work out, then right is my only option, and I'm gonna make it work." DIVE IN HEAD FIRST. And that's what I'm gonna do.. I make this sound like a big deal, because it is! The impact it will have is big, but the action is as little as talking to someone.. Which, I'm gonna do this week.

Tomorrow I think i'm going to be going back to the desert, I get my work schedule, and This week i'm going to be looking for a second job. Preferably a 9-5 somewhere so I can leave where I work now,  and have a full time, well paying job. I hate this. I need to win the lottery so I can just spend the rest of my life traveling around the world, with my Weimaraner Jake, and my siblings. Doesn't that sound perfect? Well.. It might not to you, but that's my dream. Pick up and leave.. Not return for months at a time. Sounds beautiful.

I've had a nice two days home. It's always a little relief to come back.. I'm not even really sure where my home is anymore. They say home is where the heart is, right? But.. What is you're heart is torn between 4 different places? If that's the case, then My home is LA, with Adriana. Murrieta with my Immediate family. The desert, with my work and family, and San Diego.. With everything else <3 I really don't know where my home is, But imma figure it out soon :) I promise you that. anyway, It's almost 1 am, and I need to go to sleep.. Or, try at least. I'll write more soon.

Slaap Lekker loves <3

Saturday, May 7, 2011

3 months late, and a dollar short $

Tomorrow (the 8th) Is exactly three months that I haven't posted anything. I know, I've been horrible. I'm sorry..   But Everything has been insane around here! For one, I moved to the desert. I'm living in La Quinta, California now! Well, When i'm not with my family back in Murrieta that is. It's kinda like. for every 5 days I spend here, I spend 2 at home. Ya digg? Also, I'm working at Forever 21, in the Palm Desert mall! So if you wanna come buy some stuff for me, it would be greatly appreciated ;) hahah But really.. It's a nice change. I love the desert, My heart has always been torn between the desert, and San Diego. I figure i should give them both a try, to see which one I prefer! So, BAM! Here I am.

I'm sitting outside on the patio right now. It's 1:13 am and I can't sleep. My arm is killing me. So i decided I would write, since I haven't in so long. I love this place.. And It's not even as much to where I can put it into words. You have to experience this for yourself. During the day, Yes.. It does have a tendency to get a little warm. But who spends all day outside?? No. Most people have jobs. or do productive things indoors for the majority of the day! I happen to like the heat. The hotter the better! Especially, after 14* weather in Holland for so long. I could use a little sunshine, Or a lot. hahah It's still warm out. I'm in shorts and a tank top, in the middle of the night and it's beautiful. At a certain time of day here, the mountains that surround my house turn Blue.. Yes, Blue! They aren't like Murrieta Mountains. These are rocky, and much larger. You see all kindsa cool animals running all over them if you get close enough. Rams, birds, lizards, and the occasional mountain lion........ ugh. Around 7, when the sun starts to go down they become blue, and fade to black as night sets in. You can always see the top of them.. It appears that the sun never fully goes down because there is always a faint blue glow from the opposite sides of the ridge. The air smells like honeysuckles, since the flowers are everywhere out here. It's smelled like this for as long as I can remember. and when the darkness consumes, the desert birds, and bugs come out. You can hear the loud clicking of the locusts, and the chirping of the crickets, While on the other end you're hearing owls, and other birds I can't really Identify. I'm sitting staring at the stars.. It's really beautiful. You can't see stars like this anywhere else. And it seem that the longer you sit and stare, the more that appear..

Have you ever heard of those people who go "hunting for aliens" out in the middle of the desert? They make weird hats out of tin foil, and will camp out for days on end waiting for an invasion, that they swear is going to happen? Now I see why they come out here! It's silent, and you can see every star in the North, western hemisphere.

Things have been moving so fast recently, I can hardly keep up. But i'm beginning to realise that that's the game in itself. Trying to keep up. Those who can, thrive, those who can't.. Flounder, and fail. I'm trying my hardest to be the first of the two. Continuing to be a productive human being, day by day, and leaving those who aren't behind. I enjoy waking up, and going to work, then coming home only to run errands, make dinner, go to the gym, shower, go see some friends, come home, watch a movie, and go to bed. It's busy. just the way I like it. Idle hands are the devils playground, they say, right? It's true.. and I'm tired of being bored with the way things are. I want to wake up everyday and be so stoked about what i'm doing! At this point, what i'm doing is working.. and i'm fine with that for now. I am kinda in limbo when it comes to school, though. Just to be honest. I really hate school.. There are just so many other things that I could rather myself be doing! Like... NOT being in a classroom listening to a monotone, unenthusiastic, dried up, old hag of a teacher teach you about something that they, themselves cannot even do. But that's what's the norm i guess. Go to school, get a piece of paper that says you wastes thousands of dollars, and countless hours of you time learning about something that isn't really going to make you money, or make you happy.. So I guess that's the next step. I was always good at school.. Especially English. Math? Forget it. But English I loved. I just don't really have a firm grasp on what it is i want to do. Is that normal? Is being almost 20 like a cutoff mark for your uncertainties? Orrrrr have I been allotted a little more time? I sure as hell hope so.. Because If so, Imma have to get on this shit ASAP. hahah

Quite frankly,  I kinda just want to go live under a rock.. And stay there for a while. Just seclude myself for days.. maybe a month? Grab nothing more than a backpack filled with necessary items, and a tent and run off to Indonesia for a month or two. Travel around, meet people, see things. That sounds perfect. I will do that one day.. Hopefully. Speaking of seclusion, I went to Whitewater the other day. For those of you who don't know what, or where it is.. It's beautiful.. and it's this little dirt road that you take about 4 miles back, and it places you in the middle of some of the most beautiful scenery California has to offer. There is a river, that fills up around this time of the year with the water from the snow run off.. It's awesome. I was there for probably 5 hours.. Did just about 6 miles by the time I left, and literally sat in the water, in the sun, for probably 3 hours. hahah it was fantastic. The water was cold, and fast, and I figured why not? Who was going to say anything? There wasn't ANYONE for quite a while, and it was hot. So in i went! it was so nice. Got some sick tan lines, and ended up getting my car all wet, and sandy.. But it was worth it. :) I loved every minute of it.

Well, it's practically 2 am. I think I need to go to bed soon, or I should at least attempt. Sunday is mothers day, and tomorrow, Saturday, I am going back home to Murrieta for the holiday so I can spend it with my family. I'm excited :) Now, off to bed. I promise im going to start writing these more. I need to. It makes me feel better!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Youngies, and Druggies with the Pretties and the Uglies..

It's Monday. Late afternoon, and I'm sitting in my room watching the sun shine through the palm fronds, as it makes shapes on my floor through my balcony doors. I just got home about 2 hours ago from my adventure in Los Angeles this weekend, with my wonderful sister Adriana. :D I really had a very good time. I got to spend time with my favorite person, and I also had the opportunity to meet a lot of new faces; Some who i can see will be great friends. This weekend opened up another window for me. It let me see things that i had never previously considered, in a new light. I have been so stressed since i got home; Worrying about Jobs, and school.. and this arm business. But this weekend i finally got to relax. LA feels like home to me. But so does San Diego, and the Desert. It might be because Adriana's there, but whatever the reason being, I was in my element with some good people.

this week, I am going to be getting everything straightened out with my car. So, hopefully, I am going to be able to go out and be productive! By looking for a job, and finally having my freedom back. I never really lost it, it's just difficult to rely on everyone else for rides. That drives me crazy. I hate when people drive me! hahah I get super antsy. I know.. It's a control problem, which i am trying to control!

It's not Monday afternoon anymore. It's Tuesday night. I stopped writing for whatever reason, but here i am! I've been home practically all day today. But i had a lot of work to do. I'm trying to make extra money here and there since I don't have a job at the moment. Writing papers, and working on shoes. I need a job. I'd enlist, but they wouldn't take me because my eyes are so terrible. Now that i have a bionic arm, they REALLY won't take me. Talking about long term commitments though, I have been considering making one. But something more serious in terms of a career. That's something I'm gonna keep to myself until i figure it out. As soon as i say it, everyone going to go crazy.. That i know for sure. I can see it now! Everyone getting their hope up. We'll see how it plays out :) For now I'm just letting it happen.

I'm listening to  Wolves in the Garden, by The Deadly Syndrome, And i was just sitting and thinking while it was playing. This song reminds me of my time in Paris.. Walking through the empty dark streets as the sun was slowly disappearing. Clueless as to where i was, but so comfortable. It reminds me of my last few weeks of the previous year, and about someone. There's something about the song.. "..I feel like i should tell you, there, there were wolves there yesterday. We walked and i said nothing. I didn't want to hurt the mood. I know we can't out run them; but the flowers smell so good." I wouldn't really know how to express to you WHY that particular segment eats at me, but it does.. That whole song does. It's very, I don't know.. It's very bittersweet. Everyone finds different meanings in different things. And this song breaks my heart EVERY.TIME.i hear it.. And yet, i cannot stop listening to it.. There is another song i can't get out of my head today. I heard it 2 weeks ago, not for the first time.. But ever since that moment it hasn't left my head. The coincidentally.. Someone sent it to me today. A song from a knife salesman to his wife on their wedding day. It's beautiful. In a very strange way. Listenener is one of my favorites. Not for everyone. But for me. If you DO read this.. Click the link. Listen to the words. and Just think about it. I want something like that. I know I'm young, but i can only hope.

"well darlin this is it, and I'm not a complicated person
you're all I've got, and I mean you're all I'll ever need
just like you are, you look like you could use these open arms
with these broken arms, I'll try and hold you all together
you spun the wheels, on this rusty heart, & I'll never be the same
and we're no accident, though sometimes we won't survive the crash
I'll be your ambulance"

Something like that ^^


Thursday, February 3, 2011

New years resolution.. a month late

So, for my new years resolution this year, i decided that i was going to start a month late. I think it's hillarious when people start with their"  I'm gonna turn over a new leaf" mentality on January 1st, of the new year.. and the week after the've cheated. So i decided to wait a month.. Let all the angst that comes along with the new year to settle, and then start making promises to myself.

When i got home from Holland i realized how much CRAP FOOD i ate there! Not even junk food, but when you think about most European countries.. What are their main staples? What is something you can expect to see in every household? BREAD. CHEESE.. And in Breda's case... Stroop waffles :X Ugh. Stoop Waffels + Gina = <3 <3 <3 Hahahah! Also, Beer, (See Right ) LMAO. And.. More bread. Surrrpise surprise!! So, i've decided that i am going to make my resolution - To take better care of myself, and watch the things that i put into my body. I started last week, and i already feel better! Some other things i'm adding onto the resolution? :

1. Drink more water.
2. Spend more time outside.
3. Anddd.. After this month passes me by, and i am ALLOWED to go back, I;m going to the gym everyday. Rain or snow. So I feel good about it. And i know i'm going to keep this up. I think i've been inspired by these people on all of these weight loss shows. FUN FACT! I am obsessed with weight loss shows. " Heavy." "I used to be fat " "Biggest loser" and anything else even remotely close. I'm fascinated by these people, and how they can allow themselfs to get soooooo damn heavy?! I mean like.. Could you imagine being 500 pounds. 500 POUNDS?! That's 1/2 of 1000... Blows my mind. I live to eat, i don't eat to live, and i'm sure if i had NO self control or self respect.. that i could get really fat. But I like being healthy. I also, want to keep my arm moving. I'm determined to get this thing back to normal. I promise. I will not allow myself to be imobilized in ANY way. So here we go. Staring week 2 of this resolution, i'll be sure to keep everyone up to date. lol

I went on a run with my dog today. But he started acting like a tard and getting scared by every car that passed and he was just ruining my groove. So my mom came and got him, and i continued on. I went on a 4 mile. and I passed the starbucks Down the street from my house and i just sat outside and .. just sat. And that's all i did. I watched the cars go by, and I took in some sunshine, and just let time pass me by for a few minutes. It was nice.. I haven't been able to do that in a while. Especially since when i was in Holland, it was too cold to even go outside let alone go and hang out in one spot for too long. I just listened to the people's conversations, FUN FACT #2 I'm a huge evesdropper. LMAO. People fascinate me. I can't help it. lol And then i went home. It's simple things like that that i missed being able to do. :) Makes the day just a little better.

This weekend, Adriana is going to come and pick me up and bring me back to LA to her house. I am so excited i'm goiing to be able to visit with her for a while; I'm in the need for some serious Adriana time. It's going to be so nice to see her. I saw her when i had first gotten home for a little bit, she drive down with her boyfriend to come and see me. But i had just gotten surgery, and i was so drugged up i couldn't even see straight. Sooo.. This time, now that i'm fully conscious.. Will be so mch better. lol I love my sister <3

Anyway, i think i'm going to go paint. But first i need to find my paints?! Ugh. So i'm going to do that :) I'm in a write-y mood, so i 'll probably do another post tomorrow.
Doui Douiiii!


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

WOW. So i had about.. a full page of this and i accidentally deleted it. I wasn't thinking. UGH. This morning i went for my 2nd PT appointment. I wasn't as excited about this one due to the fact that i woke up and it felt like someone had gone to town on my arm with a baseball bat.. or maybe some golf clubs. Either way, it fricken hurt. I think it was because of the first appointment, but oh well.. My mom went with me this time. She got to see what we do to try and fix my terribly mangled extremity. She watched at they hooked me up to the electro-pulsating-sticky-hurty things, and as the woman (Mona) attempted to run out all of the knotts my muscles had accumulated over the past month from not moving. UGH. That sucked.

After the appointment, mamma and i went and got lunch, and then ran some more errands. Went to the mall, and i got some new M.A.C makeup.. Not like i really needed anymore, but it's good for my soul and it keeps me happy :) haha!! Now i'm home, sitting on my balcony in the sun with my iced tea and my fat kitty who keeps popping by to see what i'm doing. I've been fairly stressed this week. When i got home from Holland i expected things to be so much different than they are.. Mostly because i never expected to come home partially crippled, and unable to do things fof myself like i normally would have been able to. I now have the inconvienence of fixing my car; New tires -$400. Fix the AC unit -$200? Registration & Insurance, and who knows what else will happen (KNOCK ON WOOD!) But where am i going to get the money to do so? Ohhh if i get a job I can fix all of those things easy! Maybe even with my first two pay checks! WRONG. Nobody is going to hire me, because of my arm. I can't lift, push, pull, carry.. Nothing that any normal job wourld require me to do. No shelf stocking, nothing that pretty much all the places i would like to work in Murrieta would require me to do. LAME. So, i need to look for a secretarial job.. or something that requires me to sit at a desk, andswer phones, and not do much. But i'm noticing that those are few and far between. SOOOO.... If any of my readers know of anywhere i can get a job, or want to give me a job ;) feel free to le tme know! hahah! Speaking of readers, i got 600 views a lone last month. Which i'm stoked about.. I could get more i guess, i just.. Idon't really care! lol

Random thoughts of the day :

I wanna get certified in Scuba diving.
I want my dark hair back. I want my LONG hair back.
I need a job, because i need to get new clothes.
I want a frozen margarita.
I wanna go to the gym!
I wanna go on another trip.
Let's go to San Diego.

There is something i can't stop thinking about! But i'm not upset by it, it kinda just makes me anxious..Because there is something that i HAVE to do, anddd thinking about it just makes me crazy. Lol Have you ever had one of those? You're scared to do something, or say something, or.. whatever it is. But at the same time you are so excited.. and you just can't control yourself. Well.. that's exactly how i am at the moment. and i don't know what to do about it. I take a running start and i am so ready to get it over with, and then i see "It" and it's staring me in the face, waiting for me to make the first move and i run away.. Kinda like jake when he wants to play and you try and take his ball away from him. He tests you, and gets really close but as soon as you go for it BAM he's gone. lol Little jerk dog.

I've been viggorously checking my email everyday awaiting a response from one of the 50,000 places i applied to. And it's really frustrating. I heard on the radio that the economy rose by 3.4% this quarter! Shouldn't that mean the job market was given a LIIITTTTLLLEEEE more slack? Probably not. That's wishful thinking. I also need to get my school life straightened out. I'm gonna be so relieved when all this is over. I really hate school, and i'm not looking forward to going back. If i had it my way i would just work, work work the rest of my life. But i can't work with what i want to work with without the degree, so schoolllll here i come! There are so many factors affecting my next move, it's incredible. I could go on for days.. I could go to school in the desert, which would be convienent because i have a lot of family out there, or i could go to art school in sd, and be very inconvienent because then i have to make the trip every day. Gahhhh. Anyway, enough about that. Jack just got home, and i'm gonna go show him what's up on some CODMW2 Nazi Zombies :P hahah Byyyeee!