Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A Movable Feast

At what point in ones life, does the fun stop? and the even bigger question here is; WHY does it stop? As one gets older, and less oblivious, certain aspects of life emerge that we've never seen before. Primarily because we were too young, and ignorant to notice said things, but also because we didn't know what those aspects were before. An incredibly brilliant man, and probably my favorite literary writers, Ernest Hemingway once wrote an excerpt on F. Scott Fitzgerald for his own memoir. The relationship that Fitzgerald, and Hemingway shared was a tad erratic. He has been savaged as a jealous ingrate for his description of Fitzgerald in his memoir, A Movable Feast. However, despite the picture that emerges of Fitzgerald as erratic and insecure, I believe the love and respect Hemingway held for the slightly older writer comes through.. 

Hemingway wrote, "His talent was as natural as the pattern that was made by the dust on a butterfly's wings. At one time he understood it no more than the butterfly did and he did not know when it was brushed or marred. Later he became conscious of his damaged wings and of their construction and he learned to think and could not fly any more because the love of flight was gone and he could only remember when it had been effortless."

If you think about it, what Hemingway said was on the money. Ignorance is bliss.. When one does not know how things are supposed to be, they are not a good judge of right and wrong, correct? As a child you're learning everyday.. And as you get older, you have your parents, and teachers, and other adults there to help guide you along your trip to adult-hood. They are there to teach you right and wrong, to show you how to function as a productive individual, and set up the ground layers for you to build your foundation on! Everything when you're little is wonderful! But now, me not being so little anymore, I wake up everyday, with some sort of new challenge! Some days are fantastic, some days are terrible, and it's just an endless cycle.. You hear all the time, when people notice you're in a bad mood, " Shit happens!" or, "That's life!" But i'm tired of hearing that.. What is there for people to do to change that? To make it so that every day you wake up is a wonderful day? Does it have to do with your job? Does it have to do with your outlook on life? With family? with friends? I know it's a mesh of all of the factors listed above. It's pretty hard to not have one without the other, but.. What is the epicenter of the problem? 

I believe it has to do with you own personal outlook on life.. I've been enlightened recently! And i'm happy to announce that. When i look back on the past, year or so for myself, it's been insane. From college and working in California, to Living and traveling around Europe! Then the accident, then coming back to California, and starting all over with this new challenge (My arm) that just so happens to be permanently connected to my person. (Well, I'm about ready to cut if off so we'll see how that goes HAHA!) And Now i'm moved out of Murrieta, and working and trying to start over, and make a name for myself in another new city! So i'm stoked! And I've been waking up like that everyday.. Excited, and ready to go to work, and then whatever else happens throughout the day happens! But I've been welcoming it.. And the happier I am, the more I notice how miserable a lot of people are around me! WHY IS THAT?! I talked to a woman the other day, who when she saw me I smiled at her.. She looked at me and went, "What are you so happy for? Comin' in here all smiley!" I told her I was just in a good mood, and she said "Yeaaa.. Well you obviously have a lot of grow'n to do. You won't be happy when you're 40 baby." 

I don't really know why, but that really bothered me! I want to be happy when i'm 40! I don't wanna be like her! Every man/woman's life ends the same way.. It's only the details of how they lived, and how they died that sets them apart!=. I want MY own person difference, to be astronomical. I want to wake up knowing that I'm not wasting my day, or my time, or my life! Which, is sll pretty much all be the same thing. Furthermore, I don't want to waste any of it! Nor do I want any of you to waste it. Time is a beautiful thing, and you only get once chance to really.. LIVE. So do it! Go live. Go be happy.. Do what makes you happy, not what makes other people happy. 

I've found a new way of looking at everything.. I'm starting to look at everything, and anything, as if i'm seeing it for the first time. Surprisingly, it's working out wonderfully. It puts a lot of excitement back into things for me! For a while everything was getting pretty bland, and boring , and drab. But, not anymore.. Look at everything as if you've never seen it before. Learn to appreciate every little thing, no matter how inconsequent. No matter how insignificant you once thought it was, try and find the beauty in it. Stop focusing on the negatives, and learn to appreciate the positives for what they are..  I know this was kinda random, But i've just been dealing with a lot of negative ass people this week! I'm tired of it. I fixed myself, now it's time for everyone else to see that they can fix the problem, too! 

It's 1:30 am, and I should be asleep, but.. Surprise, Surprise.. I'm not. I think i'm gonna shower then bed. I have an interview at the Cheesecake Factory tomorrow! So that would be a cool 2nd job :) Anyway.. I'm gonna try and go to bed now. Got a lot to look forward to this week, and for the rest of the month! 
Have a good day/ Night you guys!
<3 XO

Monday, May 9, 2011

Last night I dreamed that it rained, and nobody complained

Woke up this morning with A song stuck in my head; Stay or Leave by The Dave Matthews Band, I suggest you listen to it. and Really listen. It's a beautiful song, but the reason I had it stuck in my head, was because it was in my dream.. There was a "certain person"who is to remain un-named ;) hahah Well this person, was singing it to me.. And because of who this person was, It kinda stands out. Have you ever had that moment, where you have this.. one, strong, set idea in mind. and You are so confidant in it, and so so so sure of it, then the smallest. most ridiculous, little thing can set you all off balance? I really hate that. Really. ugh

I've been having a lot of strange dreams lately, Like I said in my last post. They just keep getting weirder! Like, Driving a limo half way off a cliff, only to jump out, and off this cliff.. Then seeing yourself fall for about 5 minutes straight, and riggghhht before you hit the water BAM! you woke up. But on your way down you had a pretty significant conversation! But, it has absolutely nothing to do with what is happening in the dream. My family is telling me it's because of what i've been eating before bed. But, I know that's a load of crap. I'm not eating anything before bed, and i changed my diet completely! And they're STILL happening. Oh well. We'll see :)

But for that song? It's weird! I haven't been able to shake it off all day. "Stay or leave, I want you not to go but you should.. It was good, as good goes! Stay or leave I want you not to go but you did. So what to do, with the rest of the day's afternoon haze. Isn't it strange how we change everything we did. Did I do all that I could, that I should have done.. " Did I do all that I could have done? AM i CONTINUING to do all that I CAN do? No. And I realized that after a conversation last night, and after some thought this morning. But that's going to change.

 I need to make a fairly large decision this week. and to be honest, I'm scared. Because it can either make an easy left turn, or a brutal right. I've been putting it off for quite some time now. I'm scared. And I really have nothing to be scared of, which is the ridiculous part. I'm Gina Marie Pauling, and I'm never scared of anything........ Or that's what I keep telling myself. Then this situation arises and i'm running to the hills! Doing anything I can to avoid this. It's all about comfort zones! Pushing yourself out of your box, and allowing yourself to take a chance. CHANGE. Right? Isn't that the word the nation and the rest of the world is trying to focus on? C.H.A.N.G.E. But what does change really mean? To what extent, does change actually.. well what do you have to do to REALLY change something? Change a normal routine for yourself? Like.. Instead of watching tv after dinner, you go on a walk. Okay.. That's not good enough. Changinggg your attitude towards your coworkers, classmates, people you happen to run into daily, to try and make a difference? No. Still not powerful enough. Because what happens of you don't make those changes? NOTHING! you're in the same spot. You're still gonna be sitting on your ass watching tv. and your co workers are still gonna hate you.

 I'm talking about, making a change for yourself.. that is going to fix your problem. In this case my problem. I'm in Limbo! and I don't doubt for a second that there are a few of you reading this who are thinking... "Yea, well shit. Me too! What do I do?!" Do something, that is going to really effect your life. Do something, to where.. Once it's done, you no longer HAVE that option of going back to that zone of "LIMBO." Make it so, you say to yourself "Okay... I want to go left. But if this doesn't work out, then right is my only option, and I'm gonna make it work." DIVE IN HEAD FIRST. And that's what I'm gonna do.. I make this sound like a big deal, because it is! The impact it will have is big, but the action is as little as talking to someone.. Which, I'm gonna do this week.

Tomorrow I think i'm going to be going back to the desert, I get my work schedule, and This week i'm going to be looking for a second job. Preferably a 9-5 somewhere so I can leave where I work now,  and have a full time, well paying job. I hate this. I need to win the lottery so I can just spend the rest of my life traveling around the world, with my Weimaraner Jake, and my siblings. Doesn't that sound perfect? Well.. It might not to you, but that's my dream. Pick up and leave.. Not return for months at a time. Sounds beautiful.

I've had a nice two days home. It's always a little relief to come back.. I'm not even really sure where my home is anymore. They say home is where the heart is, right? But.. What is you're heart is torn between 4 different places? If that's the case, then My home is LA, with Adriana. Murrieta with my Immediate family. The desert, with my work and family, and San Diego.. With everything else <3 I really don't know where my home is, But imma figure it out soon :) I promise you that. anyway, It's almost 1 am, and I need to go to sleep.. Or, try at least. I'll write more soon.

Slaap Lekker loves <3

Saturday, May 7, 2011

3 months late, and a dollar short $

Tomorrow (the 8th) Is exactly three months that I haven't posted anything. I know, I've been horrible. I'm sorry..   But Everything has been insane around here! For one, I moved to the desert. I'm living in La Quinta, California now! Well, When i'm not with my family back in Murrieta that is. It's kinda like. for every 5 days I spend here, I spend 2 at home. Ya digg? Also, I'm working at Forever 21, in the Palm Desert mall! So if you wanna come buy some stuff for me, it would be greatly appreciated ;) hahah But really.. It's a nice change. I love the desert, My heart has always been torn between the desert, and San Diego. I figure i should give them both a try, to see which one I prefer! So, BAM! Here I am.

I'm sitting outside on the patio right now. It's 1:13 am and I can't sleep. My arm is killing me. So i decided I would write, since I haven't in so long. I love this place.. And It's not even as much to where I can put it into words. You have to experience this for yourself. During the day, Yes.. It does have a tendency to get a little warm. But who spends all day outside?? No. Most people have jobs. or do productive things indoors for the majority of the day! I happen to like the heat. The hotter the better! Especially, after 14* weather in Holland for so long. I could use a little sunshine, Or a lot. hahah It's still warm out. I'm in shorts and a tank top, in the middle of the night and it's beautiful. At a certain time of day here, the mountains that surround my house turn Blue.. Yes, Blue! They aren't like Murrieta Mountains. These are rocky, and much larger. You see all kindsa cool animals running all over them if you get close enough. Rams, birds, lizards, and the occasional mountain lion........ ugh. Around 7, when the sun starts to go down they become blue, and fade to black as night sets in. You can always see the top of them.. It appears that the sun never fully goes down because there is always a faint blue glow from the opposite sides of the ridge. The air smells like honeysuckles, since the flowers are everywhere out here. It's smelled like this for as long as I can remember. and when the darkness consumes, the desert birds, and bugs come out. You can hear the loud clicking of the locusts, and the chirping of the crickets, While on the other end you're hearing owls, and other birds I can't really Identify. I'm sitting staring at the stars.. It's really beautiful. You can't see stars like this anywhere else. And it seem that the longer you sit and stare, the more that appear..

Have you ever heard of those people who go "hunting for aliens" out in the middle of the desert? They make weird hats out of tin foil, and will camp out for days on end waiting for an invasion, that they swear is going to happen? Now I see why they come out here! It's silent, and you can see every star in the North, western hemisphere.

Things have been moving so fast recently, I can hardly keep up. But i'm beginning to realise that that's the game in itself. Trying to keep up. Those who can, thrive, those who can't.. Flounder, and fail. I'm trying my hardest to be the first of the two. Continuing to be a productive human being, day by day, and leaving those who aren't behind. I enjoy waking up, and going to work, then coming home only to run errands, make dinner, go to the gym, shower, go see some friends, come home, watch a movie, and go to bed. It's busy. just the way I like it. Idle hands are the devils playground, they say, right? It's true.. and I'm tired of being bored with the way things are. I want to wake up everyday and be so stoked about what i'm doing! At this point, what i'm doing is working.. and i'm fine with that for now. I am kinda in limbo when it comes to school, though. Just to be honest. I really hate school.. There are just so many other things that I could rather myself be doing! Like... NOT being in a classroom listening to a monotone, unenthusiastic, dried up, old hag of a teacher teach you about something that they, themselves cannot even do. But that's what's the norm i guess. Go to school, get a piece of paper that says you wastes thousands of dollars, and countless hours of you time learning about something that isn't really going to make you money, or make you happy.. So I guess that's the next step. I was always good at school.. Especially English. Math? Forget it. But English I loved. I just don't really have a firm grasp on what it is i want to do. Is that normal? Is being almost 20 like a cutoff mark for your uncertainties? Orrrrr have I been allotted a little more time? I sure as hell hope so.. Because If so, Imma have to get on this shit ASAP. hahah

Quite frankly,  I kinda just want to go live under a rock.. And stay there for a while. Just seclude myself for days.. maybe a month? Grab nothing more than a backpack filled with necessary items, and a tent and run off to Indonesia for a month or two. Travel around, meet people, see things. That sounds perfect. I will do that one day.. Hopefully. Speaking of seclusion, I went to Whitewater the other day. For those of you who don't know what, or where it is.. It's beautiful.. and it's this little dirt road that you take about 4 miles back, and it places you in the middle of some of the most beautiful scenery California has to offer. There is a river, that fills up around this time of the year with the water from the snow run off.. It's awesome. I was there for probably 5 hours.. Did just about 6 miles by the time I left, and literally sat in the water, in the sun, for probably 3 hours. hahah it was fantastic. The water was cold, and fast, and I figured why not? Who was going to say anything? There wasn't ANYONE for quite a while, and it was hot. So in i went! it was so nice. Got some sick tan lines, and ended up getting my car all wet, and sandy.. But it was worth it. :) I loved every minute of it.

Well, it's practically 2 am. I think I need to go to bed soon, or I should at least attempt. Sunday is mothers day, and tomorrow, Saturday, I am going back home to Murrieta for the holiday so I can spend it with my family. I'm excited :) Now, off to bed. I promise im going to start writing these more. I need to. It makes me feel better!