Woke up this morning with A song stuck in my head; Stay or Leave by The Dave Matthews Band, I suggest you listen to it. and Really listen. It's a beautiful song, but the reason I had it stuck in my head, was because it was in my dream.. There was a "certain person"who is to remain un-named ;) hahah Well this person, was singing it to me.. And because of who this person was, It kinda stands out. Have you ever had that moment, where you have this.. one, strong, set idea in mind. and You are so confidant in it, and so so so sure of it, then the smallest. most ridiculous, little thing can set you all off balance? I really hate that. Really. ugh
I've been having a lot of strange dreams lately, Like I said in my last post. They just keep getting weirder! Like, Driving a limo half way off a cliff, only to jump out, and off this cliff.. Then seeing yourself fall for about 5 minutes straight, and riggghhht before you hit the water BAM! you woke up. But on your way down you had a pretty significant conversation! But, it has absolutely nothing to do with what is happening in the dream. My family is telling me it's because of what i've been eating before bed. But, I know that's a load of crap. I'm not eating anything before bed, and i changed my diet completely! And they're STILL happening. Oh well. We'll see :)
But for that song? It's weird! I haven't been able to shake it off all day. "Stay or leave, I want you not to go but you should.. It was good, as good goes! Stay or leave I want you not to go but you did. So what to do, with the rest of the day's afternoon haze. Isn't it strange how we change everything we did. Did I do all that I could, that I should have done.. " Did I do all that I could have done? AM i CONTINUING to do all that I CAN do? No. And I realized that after a conversation last night, and after some thought this morning. But that's going to change.
I need to make a fairly large decision this week. and to be honest, I'm scared. Because it can either make an easy left turn, or a brutal right. I've been putting it off for quite some time now. I'm scared. And I really have nothing to be scared of, which is the ridiculous part. I'm Gina Marie Pauling, and I'm never scared of anything........ Or that's what I keep telling myself. Then this situation arises and i'm running to the hills! Doing anything I can to avoid this. It's all about comfort zones! Pushing yourself out of your box, and allowing yourself to take a chance. CHANGE. Right? Isn't that the word the nation and the rest of the world is trying to focus on? C.H.A.N.G.E. But what does change really mean? To what extent, does change actually.. well what do you have to do to REALLY change something? Change a normal routine for yourself? Like.. Instead of watching tv after dinner, you go on a walk. Okay.. That's not good enough. Changinggg your attitude towards your coworkers, classmates, people you happen to run into daily, to try and make a difference? No. Still not powerful enough. Because what happens of you don't make those changes? NOTHING! you're in the same spot. You're still gonna be sitting on your ass watching tv. and your co workers are still gonna hate you.
I'm talking about, making a change for yourself.. that is going to fix your problem. In this case my problem. I'm in Limbo! and I don't doubt for a second that there are a few of you reading this who are thinking... "Yea, well shit. Me too! What do I do?!" Do something, that is going to really effect your life. Do something, to where.. Once it's done, you no longer HAVE that option of going back to that zone of "LIMBO." Make it so, you say to yourself "Okay... I want to go left. But if this doesn't work out, then right is my only option, and I'm gonna make it work." DIVE IN HEAD FIRST. And that's what I'm gonna do.. I make this sound like a big deal, because it is! The impact it will have is big, but the action is as little as talking to someone.. Which, I'm gonna do this week.
Tomorrow I think i'm going to be going back to the desert, I get my work schedule, and This week i'm going to be looking for a second job. Preferably a 9-5 somewhere so I can leave where I work now, and have a full time, well paying job. I hate this. I need to win the lottery so I can just spend the rest of my life traveling around the world, with my Weimaraner Jake, and my siblings. Doesn't that sound perfect? Well.. It might not to you, but that's my dream. Pick up and leave.. Not return for months at a time. Sounds beautiful.
I've had a nice two days home. It's always a little relief to come back.. I'm not even really sure where my home is anymore. They say home is where the heart is, right? But.. What is you're heart is torn between 4 different places? If that's the case, then My home is LA, with Adriana. Murrieta with my Immediate family. The desert, with my work and family, and San Diego.. With everything else <3 I really don't know where my home is, But imma figure it out soon :) I promise you that. anyway, It's almost 1 am, and I need to go to sleep.. Or, try at least. I'll write more soon.
Slaap Lekker loves <3